Aflcadoption.org – Where Did You Come From And Why

Coping with the emotions of loss, grief and guilt might plague the birthparents after placing an adoption. Usually, adoption is the last resort of birthparents that do not have the capacity of giving the child a better life. This is a different type of emotion that birth parents have to go through. In the first phase after the adoption placement, this is the time where deep sorrow dwells in the birthparents, and for some may even continue to haunt them. What are some of the ways to help cope with this ordeal?

Even if the decisions that you have made were based on facts, it would still not lessen the feeling of guilty that you may be experiencing. But there are still some ways to at least not blame all the misfortunes on you.

• Talking to a fellow birthparent that has undergone the same processes would really help. In this way, you can create a support system that will help you get through this ordeal. Learn from their own experiences and how they turned this life-changing event into a positive one.
• Acknowledge the feeling of sadness. This is a normal phase that all birthparents have to go through.
• If you do not know someone who is in the same situation as you are, the Internet provides a list of support groups that could cater to your needs and experiences. Finding the perfect support group will really help you along the way. You just have to choose wisely, because some support groups cannot provide exactly what you need.

Finding the appropriate support group is your first step to a journey of life that is guilt free. Sometimes, in an open adoption, knowing that your child is in good hands of the foster parents may very well decrease the guilt feeling.

There are two types of adoption that birth parents must consider first before venturing into one. The open adoption and the closed adoption are legal and binding for as long as it is intervened by a judge in the family or a surrogate court. Birth parents must carefully examine the differences between these two to help them decide which type of adoption they would consider.

The open adoption

Open adoptions usually occur when the birth parents and the foster parents have a communication. The birth parents are the ones to choose the adopting family. In some cases, it may be a relative of the birth parents.  This is also referred to as kinship adoption. Even if the adopting family is your relative, the family members must still meet the requirements set for adopting a child. This arrangement in return will void you of parental rights over the child. The open adoption has an advantage in the sense that the birth parents can select the adopting family. The birth parents can discern wisely the adopting family’s values, education and ideas of discipline. The birth parents and the adopting parents might even make an arrangement to have ongoing visits with the child and be updated as the child grows.

The closed adoptions

Closed adoptions are also known as confidential adoptions. In this case, the birth parents and the adopting parents do not know any information of each another. Nor is there any chance to get updates from the child. This type of adoption is often selected if the adopting parents want more privacy, although this type of adoption is not very visible anymore.

Whatever type of adoption you would arrange, it is best to consider every detail to discern if it is the best alternative for you. The child’s welfare should be the primary concern in making this type of decision.

The question of how much an adoptee costs usually arises if you have adopted an adult. Unlike with the case of adopting a child in the very early years where the arrangement can be kept a secret, adult adoptee will very well raise this question from time to time.

Should the adopting family reveal to the adoptee the cost of the adoption arrangement? What if the arrangement was done with a discounted price, how will the foster parents tell it to the child without making the child think that he was ‘on sale?’ Most adoptees are put at a cheaper price if they are bi-racial or if the child has special needs. A bi-racial baby costs cheaper than a bay who is born of a single race.  The knowledge of this however can be devastating to an adoptee. This discounted system is still prevalent since many families are still supporting it.

How to spill the beans without hurting the adoptee

If the parents cannot avoid revealing this information to the adult adoptee, it would be wise to address the issue in a manner that would not lower the adoptee’s self-esteem. If you were to say to an adoptee that you got him at a discounted rate because he was cheaper than others would have a devastating effect.  It is best to say that the adoptee was chosen because of the financial status of the adopting family. In this way it would be easier for the adult adoptee to accept the arrangement. As the adopted child grows, he will soon search for answers or information on his identity. Especially if the adoptee reads information about adoption, certain issues like this are unavoidable. It is best to deal with it in a manner that would not make them feel worthless.

Certain people, such as adoptees could be given quite a few names. The birth parents would give them the name after giving birth to you. If you were put in a foster home, the institution can opt to use the name given to you by the mother or call you in a different name. When the adopting family has made the adoption placements, they will certainly create a new nick for the newest member of the family.

The name game goes on and on for an adoptee. Could there be an identity crisis linked to this mix up of names?  The issue arises when you have adopted an adult. As compared to adopting an infant, the adopting family may very well be the first to give a name to the child. Though for some adult adoptees this might post a little dilemma on their identity. How can it be addressed?

An adoptee’s name game

Instead on looking at the negative side on the twists and turns of your name, why not look at the brighter side? Certainly, the names given to you by your birthparents have some history behind it. They may call you by a certain name because of the name of your grandmother or your mother’s favorite flowers. Or it can even be a combination of the initials of your birth mother and birth father. The foster home might very well have their own reasons as to why they choose that name for you. Your adopting parents might give a name that symbolizes the joy when they have adopted you. Isn’t it nice and intriguing to know all the history behind it? There are different stories behind each name. Another cool thing is that you get to choose your own nickname for the names that were given to you.

Adoption is a legal process wherein the child will not be raised by their birth parents. Before considering adoption, the participating parties, the birth parents and adopting parents must first know the legal ties that bind adoption.  Adoption laws may vary from one state to the other.

• The adopting parents now have the right to decide who may have communication with their adopted child. If the adopting parents decided to allow communication between the child and its birth parents, this agreement should be written in contract to specify the frequency of the visit. Both parties must sign the agreement.
• In several states, the adopting parent must be at least ten years older than the child he wishes to adopt. In some states like Idaho, the parent must be 15 years older than the child.
• About 15 states in the United States should be state residents for 60 days up to one year to be eligible for the placements. In some states like Rhode Island and Idaho, a non-resident may adopt a child with special needs.

• The child must be legally free for adoption before placing the adoption arrangements.

• Married persons may adopt as a single individual if he or she is legally separated from his or her spouse, or if the court deemed his or her spouse as incompetent.

Some specific adoption laws vary from one state to the other, to get better information on your adoption rights and the process of arranging for an adoption, you can check your state’s local adoption information. Sometimes, it could be a trivial process. To start a pleasant life for an adoptee, it is very crucial to know your rights as an adoptive parent as well as other arrangements that go with the entire adoption process.

Criticized, talked about and dismissed are just some of the negative feelings that haunt every adult adoptee. The question as to “why my birth parents abandoned me?” keeps flashing in their thoughts every single night.

When feeling of being dismissed sets in

The role of the birth parents is very crucial here. Honesty said in a loving manner is the only way to let these adult adoptees know the real reason behind the placement. If nothing is said or explained to them, they will surely look for answers eventually. Oftentimes, the answers that get through them might not be the exact reason why you considered them for an adoption. This might just leave them feeling dismissed and resented. The adoptive parents also have an important role in preventing an adoptee to lurk in negative thoughts. Giving them the opportunity to lovingly open their hearts out is the first step to combat the negative emotions.

Nowadays, the adoptive community is growing and these adult adoptees gave light to several adoption issues. The need for cultural awareness and family support is imperative for an adult adoptee. They also showed the society the importance of relationships with the birth family. The importance of telling young adoptees in a loving manner regarding their adoption is also one way to uplift them. Secrecy and silence in adoption is now considered as folklore, especially in the case of an adult adoptee. They have the right to know their past. Even if adoptive parents void them of that, they will surely find their own path, in one way or another. There are also various support groups where adult adoptees can share their own experiences and learn from one another’s challenges. This in return will help them venture into life with a positive attitude.